Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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