Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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