i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
