Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
