update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
