Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
