they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
you made out with another girl for some wings
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize