Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
