i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize