i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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