I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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