My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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