this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
