who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
