Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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