Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
