Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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