He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
