If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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