Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just pynch a tree in the face
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
