He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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