Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
