i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
