Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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