I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
