I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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