I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
