i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
