if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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