i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
