I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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