I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
