Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
