I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize