I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
