i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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