Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
