It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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