I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
