I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
