Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
