So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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