Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
