I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
