Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
