a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
the day after is always just damage control
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
