Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
