if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
