his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
