I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize