I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
