ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize