I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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