I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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