Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
