she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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