the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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