Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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