Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
