I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
