I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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