Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
