Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
