I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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