and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
