I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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