Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
